SNOWFLAKE

i'm incredibly sick of missing, that nagging feeling that everyone i want to be with is somewhere else. when the people you most want to be with are geographically scattered it's impossible to escape it. but, even if i could teleport from spot to spot, constantly ping-ponging from oxford to maryland to connecticut to new york to jersey, it wouldn't be enough. even if i could be everywhere all at once, i could still never really escape it. because the people i miss don't just live on different coasts and continents, they are scattered temporally. i miss zoe, but i miss her summer2005 style. and i could spend all the time in the world with her and still miss her. i miss chris, but i miss him in high school. and that doesn't mean that i don't appreciate these people now, in their new contexts-- it's just that i really really liked the old ones, too.

i never used to miss people. it's a sensation i've only really experienced in the last few years, which i guess isn't that surprising. it was only a couple of years ago that i really learned about goodbye. that's the most beautiful part of living in the same small town your whole life. it shields you for so long from this specific type of heartache. and maybe that makes it worse for me now. i know people who consider the idea of leaving people behind almost inevitable and don't "miss" so acutely. i don't envy them, though. if it were a choice between feeling complacent and the planet of anger and sadness currently sitting in my chest constricting my breath, i'd keep the planet. what i'd really like, though, is to find a place where i won't have to say goodbye to anyone for a little while. i'm about to make my third home in three years and i'm not sure my heart can take anymore goodbyes.

so this is the second half of the "perfect candidate for marriage" list i posted about a month ago. feel free to hate on the version of myself who made this. she's grown up a lot, though probably less than you'd think.

53 wears a watch
54 drinks water
55 likes disney world
56 is anti-pda
57 wears sweaters
58 plays rummy 500 with me to a 10000
59 is able to tell me if my clothes match
60 whines occasionally
61 has kindness
62 publicly berates me
63 can't have a religious objection to divorce
64 doesn't compliment me too often
65 is sarcastic
66 tells great stories
67 is not obese
68 is flirtatious
69 goes bowling
70 plays tetris
71 beats me up in a playful manner
72 rebels
73 leaves me alone for at least one day a week
74 doesn't snore
75 should love me more
76 has to use the phrase "tight shit"
77 at least six feet tall
78 sings, but not well
79 is argumentative
80 cannot overuse the word "forever" or casually apply superlatives
81 takes naps
82 can't like or hate a lot of make-up
83 doesn't drive a BMW
84 flosses regularly
85 likes apple-picking
86 when he gets old, he can go bald, but he cannot engage in the practice of the comb-over
87 writes letters
88 does not sleep naked
89 is tough (not squeamish and would hit someone for me)
90 drinks coffee
91 enjoys hammocks
92 doesn't buy me flowers
93 has good table manners
94 is good at volleyball
95 is photogenic
96 has good breath
97 never answers questions with "i don't know"
98 rolls down the windows
99 exudes cool- not football player cool, jordan catalano cool
100 makes decisions for me, but not in an overbearing way
101 recognizes exit lines and the appropriate moments to kiss me
102 doesn't need to end telephone conversations with "bye"
103 lets me curse
104 can have a day that's "okay"

GirlAlex divides boys into two kinds: those who would choose cake, and those who would opt for pot brownies. Even in high school, I was a pot brownie girl. I have no cake to give.

it's six twenty three am. this paper was due two days ago. i still haven't finished it, or slept. i'm re-defining screwed.

i'm also starting to lose track of the number of people i have been hostile towards during this period of uncertainty and literal unrest. to those of you feeling the burn, i apologize for my behavior. i will do something nice for everyone who comes forward and lodges a complaint.

thanks,
the management.

i could probably manipulate the details of my year to achieve some coherence and make it seem like i learned a lesson, but i really didn't. i think i'm poised to make a bunch of really great mistakes.

"let it suffice for me to recall or mention the following facts, with a mere brevity of words which the reflective recollection of all will enrich or amplify..."

so, this is what i got instead: the year was painful and amazing. i came home, but didn't want to. i miss england. i'm so glad i have girlalex here with me. i loved my summer in ithaca: adam, jon, abby, gerbils, gorges, the theory center, spanish immigration, etc. i miss zoe and samir with more of my heart than i could have anticipated. i reconnected with my mom. i'm pretty sure i got better. i accomplished so little and with so much help. i feel profoundly grateful. at some point, i started this blog. it must have been the fall because 'snowflake' was still my favorite word back then, i think until december. i debated some this year, though not as much as last. i made some really fantastic friends--just constant and compassionate people who make me smile harder than i'm used to smiling. jillian continually surprises me with how cool she is. i love living with meg and lo and have no idea how to live without them next year. i spent the fall always with adam, mostly at cornell. i spent winter break in ireland and got a brief reprieve from missing samir. i grew addicted to the facebook over winter study. my heart broke. wait, what did i do for thanksgiving? i spent christmas at sheila's, right? uncle michael told my guest to take his elbows off the table and i'm still uncomfortable just thinking about it. the girls threw me both a 21st and 22nd birthday party over the span of a week. i spent valentine's day with delisha and james franco. spring break in south beach. ohhhhh six. i had easter dinner with lo at the moonlight diner. i spent the spring drunk (as a landmonster?) or on the phone (admittedly, sometimes drunk on the phone). i didn't do any work that i could get around. i bit it in perry living room. i met greg. i got a goldfish. i waited too long to find a job. i got over checking drudgereport every five minutes. i hosted too many three minute dance parties. i spent too much time crafting away messages. i hate that i'm graduating. i'm stoked over the summer that marisa and i are concocting. at this exact moment, i'm mostly just terrified. i learned a lot about loving people this year. i learned more about letting them in.

i have no real forecast for the next year. maybe later when this one last paper is done.

Disinterests:
the color teal. boys who are short. easter. jell-o. self-identified 'animal-lovers.' the paper i am currently meant to be writing on the gorgias. missing people. forgetting things, remembering them, & then forgetting again. feeling frustrated. feeling really full. really cold rain. messy work areas. when things get cancelled.

Least Favorite Music:
billy joel. oldies, mostly build me up buttercup and heard it through the grapevine. korn (i just never really got it). college whine bands like ben folds, guster, etc.

Least Favorite TV Shows:
all things not sci-fi (embarrassing, but true). sex and the city. law & order: criminal intent. trl.

Least Favorite Movies:
meet joe black. mr. holland's opus. stuff lacking espionage.

Least Favorite Other Stuff:
rent (it doesn't fit into the inverse of any of mark zuckerberg's categories, but i really do hate it).

Least Favorite Books:
chick-lit about how cool it is to be 35 and supposedly independent. the hatchet.

Least Favorite Quote:

"be the change you want to see in the world."

"if you can dream it, you can achieve it."

essentially anything explicitly motivational in nature or anything you'd put on a poster and hang in a locker room. except the 'hang in there, baby' kitten. i like him.

"all i'm saying is that if i ever start referring to these as the best years of my life, remind me to kill myself." (because fuck randall 'pink' flloyd. high school kicked ass.)